Hire me, Space Force!
To whom it may concern,
Itís no secret I havenít been the biggest fan of President Trump. You could probably discern that from reading my published work or my diary, so I might as well put that out there immediately. Sure, I donít like Trumpís policies regarding immigration, taxes, national security and the environment, but that isnít stopping me from reaching out to you today.
Thatís because I know what really matters. I know when to toss my political leanings in the garbage like last weekís lasagna, and now is the time. Itís Space Force time. Since Trump announced the possibility of the Space Force earlier this year, Iíve been debating whether or not to get involved.
After all, weíve already solved all the problems our country is facing. Illegal immigration? Toss Ďem in cages! Tax reform? The wealthy donít need taxes! Our healthcare system? Healthcare is for sick people! Foreign policy? America is the only country that matters!
Since Trump has been so hard at work, we donít have to worry about those old problems. That means we can tackle problems weíve yet to face, or that might not even exist at all. I canít tell you how grateful I am to submit my application for Space Force leader. I have been training my whole life for this, all the while believing it would never happen.
It feels unreal to write this letter, so Iím especially grateful to our president for making the world feel a little more unstable every day. Trump has created a surreal atmosphere thatís perfect for the worldís first Space Force to blossom. It takes a lot of gardening before you can plant a seed like that. Trump has consistently put on his gloves and pulled out all the pretty flowers to make room for an idea as revolutionary as the Space Force.
Iím sure youíre wondering why Iím applying for this position. Why would a small town newspaper editor want to become the very first leader of the United States Space Force? To be honest, the answer is pretty simple. Iíve become bored of planet Earth and would like to see what else is out there. Itís like Iíve been on the same dating app for years and no one new is popping up. Iíd rather immerse myself in the unknown than continue walking around on Earth pretending I know whatís going on.
Truthfully, I never really know what Iím doing. I wake up, get dressed, go to work and come home, hoping everything goes well but knowing thereís a chance it might not. That will probably still be true if you offer me the privilege of running the Space Force, but at least that will be a new experience. It wonít wear out its welcome for a minimum of six months, so you know Iíd be 100 percent devoted to my post.
As far as qualifications go, I think Iím going to impress you. I have seen the opening credits of Star Wars and know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. I have some basic knowledge of how Klingons work. If I ever got lost in the galaxy, I wouldnít mind floating to my death. Also, I look really good in green body paint on the off chance Iíd have to go undercover once in space.
I know this is my calling. Beam me up, or give me a call Ö whichever is easiest for you.
All the best,
ē ē ē
Samantha Jones is associate editor for Carroll County Newspapers. Her email address is Citizen.Editor.Eureka@gmail.com