Hey, Mr. Kringle. Can I go ahead and call you Kris? I feel like we should be on a first-name basis by now. I have been writing you for more than 20 years now, and occasionally peeping through your window using those night-vision binoculars you brought me in 2006. I say this with no judgment, but you might want to consider closing the blinds before undressing at night. There are creeps out there, you know?
Anyway, youíre probably wondering how Iíve been behaving over the past year. You know Iíve had some good years and not-so-good years. Iím still waiting for you to forgive me for teaching the elves how to roll their own pigs in a blanket. How was I supposed to know theyíd get addicted, stage a coup and rob you blind just to get one more fix? Iíve always had the best intentions, Santa. Itís not my fault your employees have no self-control.
If you ask me, Iíve been pretty good in 2018. Iíve humbly executed thousands of good deeds this year, from saving the last slice of pizza for my husband to only tailgating drivers who deserve it. Somehow I have made it through the whole year without leaving my mother-in-law a strongly worded voicemail or casually dropping a skunk through her bedroom window. Iíve shown more self-control than most people, including your lazy, easily addicted elves. Iím ready for my reward.
Of course I have a wish list. Iíd like a cozy pair of socks, margaritas on demand, $1 million in a bank account in Cozumel and the ability to see into the future. I need that second sight, Santa. I need it! Oh, can you also bring me three more cats and a penthouse apartment in downtown Eureka Springs? If it doesnít exist, you will build it. Thatís non-negotiable.
I canít forget about my loved ones. Please bring my husband the desire to clean the litter box daily and 10 bottles of adequate wine. Can you also turn his tablet on and off without warning every now and then? I really want to watch him try to figure out the problem.
For my mom, Iíd like a mansion and two more dogs. My nana needs her own mansion and at least three more dogs. They must all be pit bulls. Again, thatís non-negotiable. Give my friend Kelby the ability to properly cut his own hair and the wisdom to know when itís time to stop. For my friends Steph and Jeremy, Iíd like you to stop popping by unannounced all the time. They are getting weirded out, Santa. What is wrong with you?
I expect you to bring me everything asked for Ė nothing less! If you donít, I have incriminating photos of you and Iíve already been in touch with TMZ. The ball is in your court, Kris. You couldíve stopped this by drawing the blinds at night, but you didnít think to do that, did you?
Bring me what I want or you are done, Kringle! Done!
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Samantha Jones is associate editor for Carroll County Newspapers. Her email address is Citizen.Editor.Eureka@gmail.com