Boiled egg blues

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

When you really love chocolate doughnuts, no healthy alternative can quite measure up. It's especially difficult when you decide to forego grains completely because you're getting married in the next 11 months and want to look back on the photos without finding a thousand flaws per glance.

OK, I'm talking about me. With my wedding slated for December, I have a better part of the year to get into serious shape. Of course this is easier said than done. That's true for all dieting. I consider myself an expert on the subject, having yo-yo dieted since I was a teenager. I've done it all: the Atkins diet, SlimFast, basic calorie counting, sobbing hysterically to force constant water intake -- you get the idea.

I even worked with a personal trainer once, which is something I do not desire to do again. Quite honestly, I don't need to pay someone to rudely inform me how out of shape I am. I've got a mirror that does a perfectly fine job of that. The fact that my mirror talks to me is an issue for another day.

All these healthy measures begin the same way; I tell myself it'll be different this time, that I'll adjust to healthier eating habits sooner than I think. Last year, I somehow convinced myself I'd become an expert at yoga by now. My downward facing dog still looks a lot like sitting on the couch and watching "Survivor," so it's safe to say that did not happen.

This year -- as always -- I told myself I'd do better because I have motivation. I want to look really good in my wedding dress so that Gideon has false expectations for the way I'll look throughout our marriage. That's about as noble as any diet motivation gets.

I started the diet two weeks ago by cutting out grains and most processed food. This means I can't have croutons on my salad or bread on my sandwich or bread on my bread. I've mostly been eating salad, grilled white meats and green vegetables. This weekend I had a couple ice cream sundaes, but there's no bread in chocolate sauce, right?

And so goes the ballad of the yo-yo dieter.

My favorite meal has become the most unappetizing. Breakfast, with the promise of biscuits and gravy and chocolate doughnuts and cream-cheese smeared bagels, is now composed of two boiled eggs and a cup of black coffee.

I love eggs as much as the next person, but you can only eat so many boiled eggs before you begin to wonder if it'll even matter 50 years from now that you had flabby arms on your wedding day. The boiled eggs have begun to taunt me, laughing maniacally in their sandwich bag.

"We aren't doughnuts," they cackle. "You'll never see doughnuts again."

Well, except for Friday when I had one doughnut hole because one of my coworkers wanted to get rid of them. It didn't count because it was Friday or some other excuse that makes sense. Using the weekend as a reason to cheat on my diet is usually what lands me in hot water on Monday, but it doesn't bother me on Saturday when I'm eating a massive chocolate fudge sundae.

Maybe someday I'll get the hang of dieting and I'll suddenly be beautiful and fit and everyone will envy me. Or I'll keep binging on chocolate cake and gummy bears.

It's basically the same thing.

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Samantha Jones is a reporter for the Carroll County News. Her email address is CCNNews@cox-internet.com.