Performance-enhancing drugs considered for week-long event

Okay. No messing around now. Where's the drugs? You know, the performance-enhancing ones, that make you stronger than dirt, faster than Leroy Brown, and able to last longer than Mayberry reruns.

Okay, yeah, the ones that will allow you to keep up with young grandchildren for at least a week in the summer. I know. That means really, really big drugs, with lots of kick and oomph.

Amy brought our two grandboys, Connor and Will, up after the Fourth of July weekend and they stayed a week. That was after trying to keep up with them during the holiday in Texas.

They took swimming lessons in June, so were ready for granddad on the Fourth. They swam, they dove, and granddad was required to be right there in the pool, waiting with outstreached arms.

We stayed in the water until everyone's hands were wrinkled like prunes, then swam some more. The boys' dad, Bobby, had to drag them out of the pool. After that, on the way back to Carroll county, I started thinking about performance enhancing drugs.

Maybe a dose or two would pump me up for the coming week. It worked for Spanish cyclist Manuel Beltran -- until he got caught and was kicked out of the Tour de France last week.

I know. I'll call some professional baseball players (pick one) and see what they were juicing on when they were caught. Stuff can't be that hard to get. Everyone seems to have the stuff.

Also, I don't have to worry about getting kicked out of this event. In fact, my wife Alice, Amy and the boys would probably like me to have a little more zip. Hey, it's not my fault if the boys have outgrown naps and I haven't.

Anyway, the week started with a nine-hour trip home. The kids were fine, my back was killing me. But as soon as we made it to Eureka Springs, the games began.

Most required granddad to "play" at their level. Since Connor is almost six and Will's fourth birthday is next week, picking them up is like weightlifting, also bad for the back.

There! That's it. I'll just call the Bulgarian and Greek Olympic weightlifting teams and . . . Nope, can't. The Bulgarians have withdrawn their entire team and Greece is only sending four lifters since 11 were suspended for doping.

Surely there's someone out there who is current on drugs. I could call . . . No, won't go there. The Jacksonville Jaguar doesn't deserve a mention by name.

I wonder if there are any high school athletes or coaches in this area that could help me out? I sincerely hope not, no matter how bad they ,might want to be successful.

Ah well. After looking at the whole drug thing, I decided to do like Olympian Tyson Gay, one of the world's fastest humans -- work out.

I started early, cooking bacon while dashing back and forth to the microwave. Then wrestling after breakfast, with some chasing. After a restful eight hours of work, it was off to the playground and pushing the merry-go-round -- fast.

In the evening water sports in the tub left everyone clean, then it was circuit running through the house until time for bed. Work out? You bet. Drugs? Didn't have time. Except for aspirin, the REAL drug.