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Thursday, June 20, 2013
Have you heard the rumor about the cocaine eating mole-men that live beneath the county airportPosted Friday, January 25, 2013, at 10:06 AM
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DISCLAIMER: What follows is pure satire. Enjoy.
Have you heard the rumor about the tunnel leading from the county airport to Jimmy Jones' office?
It's a remarkable thing. Apparently, the rumor says, Jones has had a tunnel dug from the airport through at least a mile of solid rock, and is using the subterranean passageway to smuggle drugs.
Now, I will admit, I was skeptical about this story at first. After all, just looking at the face of things, it seems to defy common sense to think something like this could be accomplished quietly. However, upon sustained reflection, I realized the error of my ways.
For the benefit of those still deluded, I will demonstrate, with flawless logic, why this tale must be true.
First, you have to remember that Jones owns a company with "excavation" in the name.
He is in the business of digging. Therefore, clearly, if anyone could bore a giant tunnel through solid rock without raising an alarm, he could.
Even having cleared that up, you might still doubt that a well-respected and successful member of the community like Jones would feel the need to engage in smuggling.
But that question quickly dissolves when you learn that Jones also operates a construction business in South America.
Now, anyone who's anyone realizes that "construction" is actually Spanish for "cocaine trafficking." Besides, what else comes from South America besides drugs? I mean, really.
Finally, you might question why someone would go through the trouble of hauling drugs through a tunnel, when they could just as easily offload them into a truck and avoid all that digging.
I had to think about that one for a while, but I finally figured it out.
The fact is -- this tunnel is so large that a small plane can actually pass into it, which is clearly a better strategy than offloading the drugs in plain view.
But wouldn't such a large tunnel be hard to hide? Here's the thing: There is a hinged door at the end of the runway. Jones has a special remote to open the thing -- like a garage.
You can almost make out the hinged door in the map above. Look for it in the area of the large "25" at the end of the runway. If you don't see it immediately, just keep looking. I guarantee you'll find it if you try hard enough.
Anyway, the plane passes right through the thing and stops at a subterranean unloading dock, where the bales of cocaine are hauled off the plane by genetically engineered mole-men.
These creatures are remarkable. I've been told their skin is translucent from living in the dark, they survive on a steady diet of dirt and cocaine, are completely blind, and have shovel snouts instead of noses.
The whiskered workers load the bales onto an elevator, which emerges in Jones' office closet.
That last part, I will admit, is a bit harder to swallow. Here's some advice: It helps to have faith as blind as an albino mole man and a lot of free time and repressed anger.
Anyway, I hope I've cleared things up.
Editor's Note: Jones did not return a phone call seeking comment on the tunnel -- although his secretary couldn't stop laughing. Incidentally, I couldn't either.
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Reporter's Notebook tells the REST of the story -- the interesting tidbits that didn't get included in the newspaper report. Blogger T.S. Strickland is the CCN lead reporter for East Carroll County, covering countywide government issues, Green Forest, Berryville, and a number of other beats. Also contributing to Reporter's Notebook from time to time are Managing Editor Kristal Kuykendall and reporters Kathryn Lucariello and Landon Reeves.
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