'You have the right to' means you don't have the right

I'm sure the brochure was meant to be comforting and reassuring, but it was anything but. It outlined patients' "rights," and put on the patient some tasks of ensuring they survive their stay in the hospital, like the one on "Hand Washing." You'd think this would be standard medical school training? Standard hospital protocol?

Ho, no! Hospital staff and doctors washing their hands before touching you is YOUR responsibility. It even says so, right in the first sentence: "Proper hand hygiene is everyone's responsibility." It then goes on to say, "Everyone caring for you should clean their hands. If you do not see the doctor, nurse or other healthcare provider clean their hands with soap and water or use a waterless alcohol hand rub when entering your room to provide care remember that it is okay to ask."

WHAT?!!!! God forbid I should be in a coma there in my hospital bed, or even asleep, when they come to take my blood pressure or a blood draw. What, I wasn't awake when they touched me and spread staphylococcus aureus to me from the patient down the hall dying from flesh-eating disease? If only I had been awake, I could have insisted they wash their hands! My bad.

They end that lovely paragraph with: "We want you to be an active participant in our hand hygiene program."

Okay, I'm down with that. Now, let's see, how much do nursing staff directors make an hour? Or doctors? Yeah, I'd be happy to police your healthcare workers, at your hourly wage. I'm sure it's more than I'm making, and I could use the extra cash to help cover the deductible my insurance won't pay for the life-threatening disease you gave me.

Here's another delightful paragraph, called "Restraints."

It starts out with: "As a patient you have the right to be free from restraints or seclusions unless medically required to keep you or others safe."

That sounds reasonable, doesn't it? I like to know I have that right. What's that, you say? I'm babbling? I'm pacing frantically back and forth in the waiting room because my heart is palpitating and I've been waiting for two hours to see someone? My voice volume is a little loud and it's disturbing the other patients?

This one reminds me of the ad naseum "Privacy Rights" documents sent out by every health care provider, insurance company, bank, credit card company and so on these days. "We won't divulge your information EXCEPT if Homeland Security wants it or your local sheriff or police department or immigration service or insurance provider or ...."

It continues: "You have the right to safe use of restraints or seclusions by trained staff when needed."

Wow, I'm reassured. SAFE restraints!

But I have to ask: WHO decides when they are "medically required" or "needed"??? In other words, dear reader, if they think you're loony tunes, you only have the right to be put in a straight jacket or locked in a rubber room in a safe manner.

But, wait! There's more! Here's the ending sentence of that one, the clincher:

"You have the right to be free from any type of restraint or seclusions put in place as a means of intimidations, punishment, convenience, or revenge by staff."

WHAT???!!!

This last sentence reveals this "doublespeak" for what it is. This pamphlet was not written for you, the patient. This pamphlet was written to give THEM - at best, an out for their lack of professional care by making the patient partly responsible for assuring they don't contract a serious disease while in the hospital and a rationale to tie you down or lock you up if you don't like what they're doing to you, in other words, if you're not a "cooperative" patient. And it tells their people to be sure and say, if they do those things to you, that it was "medically required" or "needed."

It's called "liability," or in some circles it was and is called "risk management," and it's all about slipping free of a lawsuit. It's all about the money. Isn't it always about that here in the good 'ol U.S.A.?